Do you ever feel like - like maybe the people around you are moving on, and you're still stuck in the same place? Like I love my best friend, and my mates. But sometimes I think - I don't know, like they are in just a totally different place to me? Especially with boys and stuff. It's weird, like I am as social as the next person when it comes to going out, parties, etc. But sometimes, people who dont know me very well, kind of see me as uptight a bit. I guess it's cause I'm still younger than my best friend and her crowd. I don't know.
Anyway. As I said, I am fairly social in general. But when it comes to boys...I think I have the dating mentality of an 11 year old. And I'm almost 20! And I think that as close as I am to my friends, that will always forge a huge gap between us.
My mom's sister - she never married. Lives alone with her dog. I worry that thats where I got it from - this total fear of the male species! Not so much of males in general, but of being close to one. I'm scared to end up like her. And there is no one I can talk to about it. No one who won't just think I'm really weird.
Sometimes I feel like I just want to move. Somewhere where I can make new friends, friends who won't know my history (or lack thereof) with guys. They'll think I'm just the same as them, and the pressure will be off. Leaving me to figure out this whole guy thing in my own time. Maybe thats better? Maybe it's the pressure of knowing everyone probably thinks I'm weird for being so far behind? Maybe I just need a lot of therapy.
I know running away is not the answer. But sometimes It just feels like it would be a hell of a lot easier than this.
Wow. So LONG time no update. I guess that whole being in LA for 3 months thing threw me off a little! Well, being as it is, the beginning of a new year, I feel like I'm going to have a lot to talk about (or rant about) in the coming months, Either that, or I'm going to need a LOT of therapy.
Yes, I saw the film. And regardless of wether or not it was a wise career decision for Gwyneth, I think it carries some important messages. And in a way I wish that Ms. Paltrow wasn't quite so quick to regret her participation, because under all the fluff, there are some things worth keeping tucked away.
All people ever seem to tell you is what you can't do, why you can't do it, and why the odd's are stacked against you. Why is it that people like to point this out? Some argue that they are protecting you from crashing and burning. Others I think just wish that they had the guts to dream as big as you.
No one ever died from holding hope. No one ever got anywhere by doubting they could do it and backing off. If we only live one life, you are not doing yourself any favours by settling for second best.
Sometimes, in the words of Carrie Underwood, moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye. And at the time, it will seem like the most painful thing that we will ever have to go through, and we will question if infact it is worth it. But the thing is, you can't live your life through another person. Yes, we may all need a 'co pilot', but if you dream big enough to make it your destiny, then you will find your ultimate co pilot along the road that you have chosen - and not by merely following some one elses.
This time next week, I get my ticket and will be officially going to LA for two and a half monthes!! So this time next week, I will be VERY VERY excited!! :D Thursdays is my most dreaded day at work so it will hopefully brighten up my thursday, so yay for that! :D
Meanwhile, back at the ranch I've added heaps of new lil widget-y things to the blog. One is a countdown to mark the days till me and heidur are off to LA! Another is a lil media player so you too can enjoy whichever song is on constant loop on my itunes :D.
Plus to celebrate me hopefully getting my ticket next week, I've added a new page to the Graphical section - dedicated to Hollywood icons! So check that out.
Oh and ofcourse a new lay!! I was inspired by Taxi's, (gee how can you tell) cause they are just such an iconic part of NYC.
Thats all for now, folks!
Actually, after all the fun and games I do have an important message, and it's really easy to remember cause it's just one word.
Well to begin with, the trial never happened for them. They decided to pull all the lower grades out. So atleast I don't have to to deal with that! It just means that Lex has got two weeks yesterday till the trial, and the whole point of going to the States was so that she would do good and get a high enough score. So yeah, the 18th of Feb is kinda a rather important day for her, and in a way me too.
Lex said something to me the other day that I think is most possibly the most hurtful thing she has ever said to me in the history of our friendship! I can't be bothered to say what it is, cause the backstory alone would need like it's own page.
But the thing is I don't actually think she realises it! Like I was sullen for a couple of days, then had to suck it up cause we had the three day training camp and I was gonna have to spend 7 -8 hours a day with her so I just tried to temporarily forget about it.
Plus there was my birthday on Sunday and I SO did not want to be fighting with my best friend on my birthday! So...19 huh. One more year left to do stupid things and blame it on 'oh, i'm a teenager.' I got money for my airline ticket from pretty much everyone, and a travel adaptor plug lol. Probably could have used that the last time I went to the US cause I think I totally screwed up my phone batter trying to charge it over there.
Lex did buy me this really cool pink lamp which I actually really love. She and all the kids at the training camp made this big 'secret operation' with a cake and candles and the happy birthday song etc. They even had a codeword lol. Millie didn't even send me a TEXT on my birthday so don't get me started on that.
Anyway, I digress. Now that all that commotion is over there is a burning OCD-like compulsion in my chest to tell her exactly what I think of what she said.But I have absolutely no idea how she will react and she could go in any direction, which makes me decidely NERVOUS. Almost everytime we fight, we get the same outcome (hence today's title.) We go somewhere (most often the beach), and have a 'serious talk' and fight it out till we both give up. Then we carry on as if it never happened. Trouble is, one day the outcome is going to be different, and one of us will just shut the other out for good and that will be the end of that story.
In other news, I am wondering if I should add some kind of small graphic request section to the site. I don't have oodles and oodles of time to make stuff, but I could always set some kind of limit anyway.
Something to think about, anyhow.
What am I saying. It's not as if I need anything else on my mind right now!
I am so ecstatic that I have LA to look forward to. I've been to talking to Lex for the past few hours on the phone and I get the sense it's going to be her year n 2007 as far as aerobics goes, which is fair enough - thats the whole reason we went to the USA in November - was so she could get some amazing coaching and rip out a fantastic routine this year.
But she's telling me all about these three other girls, all of whom have been competing about 4 years less than me. She's asked them to do the Febuary trial (if you get a high enough score you get to go to the international competitions this year - France, America, Japan, etc.) See I'm only a national squad athlete, not an international squad, and so are they. But they're opening it up to us as well this year for some reason.
Anyway, she hasn't just asked them - they've filled in the forms, etc and the closing date has passed! So it's not exactly a recent development, yet I still wasn't aware of it. I was so excited to tell her I was competing this year again, after much debate, and I got NOTHING. Not even a yay! I just got the news that everyone else in my age group from the club is trialing. Well yay for them. I love competing and I miss performing, but I just feel like there is absolutely no where for me to go in the sport, that I have been given up on.
And I wish I knew if she took the decision to not get me to trial lightly or not. I know if I hadn't been so wishy washy about competing at the end of 2006 it would have been pretty hard to not let me trial with the other three. But I feel like, considering how much history I have with the club, regardless of the break I took after Aussie, I should still be atleast told about the trial, and discussed what I would have to do to be prepared to do it. I am just as good as 2 of the three girls that are doing it, so I wish I know why I was left out of that decision. And I reckon its pretty fishy that she waited untill after the closing date to ask me what I was doing next year.
You know that cartoon, the old Charlie Brown/Peanuts classic where Charlie wants to kick the football but Lucy keeps pulling it away from him? Well thats how I feel. Like aerobics just keeps getting pushed in my face and all i want to do is just compete and feel good about it, but the opertunities are always pulled away from me and someone else jumps in ahead of me. Other people are going places with the sport, and I'm just here where I've always been.
Well, I guess I'm just going to do it to pass the time untill LA. Thats where I want to be. That is my meridian.
Did ya'll hear the excited screams all the way from NZ?! It looks like I just might be going to LA!!.
The mother of Hailey McCacnn, whom a run I fansite for, has invited me and my buddy Heidur (from Iceland, who runs a fansite for Hailey's sis Tatum), to stay with them in LA over the summer! We are going to be sort of 'Au Pairs' and help out with the 4 McCann kids :)
I want this to happen SO baddly. I think it will be an amazing experience and I want to go back to the USA so, so baddly. And I am more than happy to help out with kids!
I haven't told my work yet so I'm not sure if they will hold my position open or not, but we'll see I guess. I am just thrilled beyond belief.
I even went so far as to go onto YouTube and watch a couple of videos of people arriving at LAX - Heidur will be there a week or two before me since I need a lil longer to save up, so she reckons she's gonna film me arriving! So I checked out some videos, it seems theres like a lil ramp you work up with your luggage cart and the people waiting are all hanging over the sides of the railing looking down on all the people coming up the ramp. Embaressing!! But I got so excited watching the videos I was almost hyperventilating. I wanna go nooow!!!!!
Me and Heidur have got a lil projects under our belts but it's a suprise - ya'll all find out at the end of May when Heidur leaves!! And hopefully I'll follow her over on about the 10th of June.
Well I reinvented my blog today! It used to be 'Forever Young' but since that blog hadn't been updated since I went to Australia in July last year. And I've change a lot and been through a lot since then - for instance my big trip to America!
Thats what this whole blog is named after- - the street I stayed on in NYC! (Well, its was on the corner of West 20th and 8th Ave actually.) An hey, guess what, you can read about the whole trip on my blog now :D I feel the need to archive it.
Especially considering how long it took me to write it!
My parents are away for two weeks so I have the house to myself. I've been watching movies online. So I have a feeling we are going to be SO far over the download limit for our broadband account when my parents get home - And I'll have to pay for it!
I was watching Madagascar (can you believe I haven't seen it) and at one point a lemure hols up a book entitled 'To Serve Lemur' and is screaming 'It's a Cookbook! A Cookbook!.' And somethineg triggered in my brain about a certain quote on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, where Dawn is talking to Buffy and says "I know! You never know what's coming, the stake is not the power, to serve man is a cookbook, I love you! Go away!.'
So I hurried over to Wikipedia to find out what all this Cookbook nonsense was. Turns out 'To Serve Man' is:
A short story involving helpful alien emissaries, giving mankind all the necessary tools to survive and to end wars and famine. As a further token of friendship they even freely transport humans to their paradise-like planet. The aliens accidentally leave behind a book. A United Nations official and his staff take their time in deciphering the book by means of a rudimentary Kanamit-English dictionary. Eventually they are able to translate the title as "To Serve Man". Mr. Chambers signs up for a flight to the alien home world, BUT as he climbs on board the ship for the trip, his assistant yells to him not to get on: "It's a cookbook!"
The irony of the story is instead of 'serving man' by providing for his needs, the aliens were literally 'serving man' as a meal on their home planet.
Weird. And they listed quite a few references to the story in shows like The Simpsons, and Futurama. But they didn't have the Buffy quote, so I added it: my very firsy Wikipedia entry! Aren't you proud.
I know, know, a very boring blog today, but I have some VERY EXCITING NEWS but I can't announce it yet - hopefully I can tomorrow!
Hope you all like the new layout, and remember...
To Serve Man is a COOKBOOK!!!!
It might come in handy as a pop culture reference one day you can slip into conversationt to make you seem totally smart and up with the play ;)